The Anatomy of Hate

I don't like to feel hate. I really don't. It's probably the most negative feeling a person can have. It can be so strong that it can make a person sick, causing them to do completely insane things that they wouldn't normally do. Nothing good comes of it. Ever. So, I don't understand why some people feel the need to push the buttons of others and bring them to that terrible feeling. I just don't get it.

I lost the friendship of someone recently. It's a shame and all, I guess. I kind of have a hard time saying that because right now, I don't think it's at all a shame. I guess I'd like to think it is. Our friendship ended because, from out of nowhere, she accused me of all of these ridiculous things and basically said I was smothering her. Her idea of me smothering her was me getting in touch with her twice during the week, once to see if she wanted to do lunch together and the other time was trying to get her to go to mini golf a few days later, something she had come up with for us to do months prior. All of a sudden (not even a week after we had last hung out and had a good time), she became uber bitch and when I tried to find out why, she berated me, called me a psycho, and basically accused me of all the things she herself does. I am very well aware of my faults, and none of them are what she threw at me. Words were exchanged, I was in complete and total shock because I was basically sucker punched, and that was it. She showed her true colors and I have zero room in my life for that kind of immature bullshit. Daddy didn't hug you enough as a child and you have abandonment issues so you're going to abuse and drive away the people who care about you. Okay, fine. Boo hoo poor you. See ya. I'll be damned if I let anyone abuse me, especially some worthless little girl. It's amazing how crazy people don't even realize that when they call others crazy, it doesn't hold any kind of merit whatsoever. It's almost comical.

I haven't thought about her since and I haven't talked about her since. As far as I'm concerned, our yearlong friendship didn't happen. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. I just recently came across some shit talking on her part. Toward me. On a mutual friend's headline on Facebook. He mentioned a personal achievement and I congratulated him. Of course, she had to throw her 2 cents in immediately after and leave a snide remark. Not directly at me, Oh no. she's too smart for that, or so she incessantly prides herself as such. Still, it was pretty damned obvious what it was all about. I'd love it if I'm just being paranoid; that she really isn't this petty person I think of her as; but I know that's not the case.

I don't get it. My whole thing is we have a mutual dislike for one another. She doesn't like me for whatever weird reson she conjured up in her head and I don't like her for very obvious reasons. Okay, fine! That's that! You go your way and I'll go mine. Why talk shit? Why start trouble? This isn't a big town and things will eventually get back to me. I could easily say, "Well, she's nuts. What do you expect." But the thing is, I don't have the healthiest past. I have done some pretty fucked up things, mainly due to my drinking problem. This is something that went on for years until I recently decided to clean myself up. Granted, I've only been on the straight and narrow for a little over a month now, but considering all I've been doing (jogging, weight and abs training, sobriety, eating healthy, and I even tried yoga for crissakes), it's a lot all of a sudden. Like a car that has gone from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. So, I don't really have the best reputation right now, but I'm doing my best to change that and the last thing I need is some stuck up, self-absorbed, psychotic girl fucking it up for me. Just leave me alone!!! How is that too much to ask? I could totally see if I deserved any of this. If I really am the things she accused me of, but I know I'm not and it isn't fair or right.

And this is why I now hate her. I don't want to hate her, but she's made me hate her. Just the thought of her makes me feel sick. She's a horrible, terrible, mean, hate-filled person and I regret ever having been friends with her. If only I had known at the time. All of this negativity simply because she wouldn't leave it alone. This is the first time in my life I've had to deal with something like this and I hope to God it's the last.

April Showers Bring May Flour?

A strange thing happened last week. When I was leaving for work, I walked up to my car and noticed the driver's side was covered with a white, powdery substance. I looked around and didn't see any of it on Roommate's car, nor on the other cars in the area. Of course, me in all my glorious paranoia thought at once that it was anthrax and someone was trying to kill me.


Anthrax. The good kind.

When rationality took over for knee-jerk reaction, I dipped my finger in it and took a whiff. Odorless. Since I was running late for work, I just hopped in my car and drove off. Was it some kind of concrete dust from the people in my neighborhood working on their houses? Doubtful since this was at about 7:30 or 8 in the morning. Was it some asshole who thought it would be funny to douse my car with God-knows-what? Possibly, but kind of unlikely. Maybe my car is a junkie and a had a nasty coke binge while I was asleep. Herbie never had it so good.

Later on in the day it rained for a bit and I was hoping it would wash all of the dust off of my car. No such luck. It actually made my car look worse. I wasn't too concerned, though, since I drive down South OBT on my way home from work. My filthy car fit right in. That night, I broke one of my rules for car washing: I took it into an automatic wash. This was mainly out of lack of time and energy to wash it myself. I decided to go for broke and got the most expensive wash there was, without realizing it was a no-touch car wash, the lousiest kind there is. I wasted $12. It didn't do a god damn thing to get my car clean. I wasn't mad, though. How could I be? I knew exactly what would happen if I used the auto car wash. I was just hoping beyond hope that I was wrong and automatic car wash technology had drastically improved since I last used a car wash. I mean, it's 2009! And all this a mere week after I berated someone else for using an auto wash. My optimism is a joke.

A couple of Black ladies just came by my house peddling their religion. They didn't get to knock on the door, though, because Roommate's dog went fucking apeshit when they approached. Haha! Good boy. That or they saw my "Republicans for Voldemort" bumper sticker and probably having no clue who Harry Potter is, they decided not to knock on the door of a possible McCain supporter. Hey, let them think what they want. As long as they stay the hell away from my house. I'd love nothing more than to answer the door one of these days dressed as the devil. How funny would that be? Even better: Green Man. That would totally freak them out.


Ohhhhh yeah.

The healthy lifestyle thing I've been into recently has been going rather well. I'm 3 weeks now with no drinking, 2 weeks of jogging and working out, and over a week of dieting. The detox part of the diet ended yesterday, so I pretty much said "fuck it, I'm done." Problem is, though, is it's become kind of habitual, which I suppose was the whole point. I want Wendy's in the worst way but I just can't stand the thought of eating it. I'd be happier with some asparagus. It's fucking scary. Another scary thing that happened was me jogging a straight 5 miles the other day without stopping. Up to then, I've been doing 4 miles with little rests here and there. I don't know what got into me, but I got to my 4 mile point and said, "The hell with it. I'm going to Forrest Gump this motherfucker." And Forrest Gump that motherfucker I did, indeed. I could have gone another mile or two but I made myself stop because I was starting to scare myself.
What in the hell has gotten into me? It's the little things. Like, the other day I went to itch between my waistband and waist, expecting to forcefully shove my thumb into a very tight spot. No such thing happened. My thumb slid right in with room to spare. Results keep me going. Holly said I'm slimming up so fast because I'm a guy. I think that might have a little to do with it. I also think it's mostly because I don't drink beer all the time anymore and I burn off most of the calories I consume.


I'll be looking like my boys before too long!!! And I'll look super rad in the new all black away kits they're putting out for the 2009-2010 season!