The Anatomy of Hate

I don't like to feel hate. I really don't. It's probably the most negative feeling a person can have. It can be so strong that it can make a person sick, causing them to do completely insane things that they wouldn't normally do. Nothing good comes of it. Ever. So, I don't understand why some people feel the need to push the buttons of others and bring them to that terrible feeling. I just don't get it.

I lost the friendship of someone recently. It's a shame and all, I guess. I kind of have a hard time saying that because right now, I don't think it's at all a shame. I guess I'd like to think it is. Our friendship ended because, from out of nowhere, she accused me of all of these ridiculous things and basically said I was smothering her. Her idea of me smothering her was me getting in touch with her twice during the week, once to see if she wanted to do lunch together and the other time was trying to get her to go to mini golf a few days later, something she had come up with for us to do months prior. All of a sudden (not even a week after we had last hung out and had a good time), she became uber bitch and when I tried to find out why, she berated me, called me a psycho, and basically accused me of all the things she herself does. I am very well aware of my faults, and none of them are what she threw at me. Words were exchanged, I was in complete and total shock because I was basically sucker punched, and that was it. She showed her true colors and I have zero room in my life for that kind of immature bullshit. Daddy didn't hug you enough as a child and you have abandonment issues so you're going to abuse and drive away the people who care about you. Okay, fine. Boo hoo poor you. See ya. I'll be damned if I let anyone abuse me, especially some worthless little girl. It's amazing how crazy people don't even realize that when they call others crazy, it doesn't hold any kind of merit whatsoever. It's almost comical.

I haven't thought about her since and I haven't talked about her since. As far as I'm concerned, our yearlong friendship didn't happen. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. I just recently came across some shit talking on her part. Toward me. On a mutual friend's headline on Facebook. He mentioned a personal achievement and I congratulated him. Of course, she had to throw her 2 cents in immediately after and leave a snide remark. Not directly at me, Oh no. she's too smart for that, or so she incessantly prides herself as such. Still, it was pretty damned obvious what it was all about. I'd love it if I'm just being paranoid; that she really isn't this petty person I think of her as; but I know that's not the case.

I don't get it. My whole thing is we have a mutual dislike for one another. She doesn't like me for whatever weird reson she conjured up in her head and I don't like her for very obvious reasons. Okay, fine! That's that! You go your way and I'll go mine. Why talk shit? Why start trouble? This isn't a big town and things will eventually get back to me. I could easily say, "Well, she's nuts. What do you expect." But the thing is, I don't have the healthiest past. I have done some pretty fucked up things, mainly due to my drinking problem. This is something that went on for years until I recently decided to clean myself up. Granted, I've only been on the straight and narrow for a little over a month now, but considering all I've been doing (jogging, weight and abs training, sobriety, eating healthy, and I even tried yoga for crissakes), it's a lot all of a sudden. Like a car that has gone from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. So, I don't really have the best reputation right now, but I'm doing my best to change that and the last thing I need is some stuck up, self-absorbed, psychotic girl fucking it up for me. Just leave me alone!!! How is that too much to ask? I could totally see if I deserved any of this. If I really am the things she accused me of, but I know I'm not and it isn't fair or right.

And this is why I now hate her. I don't want to hate her, but she's made me hate her. Just the thought of her makes me feel sick. She's a horrible, terrible, mean, hate-filled person and I regret ever having been friends with her. If only I had known at the time. All of this negativity simply because she wouldn't leave it alone. This is the first time in my life I've had to deal with something like this and I hope to God it's the last.